On Looking Glasses and Relationships…
Who really is the fairest of them all?
To be totally truthful with you…I was going to write about President Obama today. You know, when history is made, you gotta be on the right side of writing about it, right?
Instead, there’s something I’m wrestling with at the moment and it’s sometimes best to just put it out there and let the universe be the guide. Or something like that.
When “The Runner” and I were married I made a few mistakes. Some I’ve written about in detail and others I’ve sort of touched upon, but not in detail.
One of the mistakes I made was in trying to mirror him in ways that didn’t make sense.
Ask me how I got into running. Go on, ask me. Okay, great. I got into running because he was running. All of the time. Every day. And I wanted to find a way to spend time with him, but being a non-runner meant I was a walker. And walkers aren’t runners. One day, I woke up from a dream and realized that in the dream I had been running. I asked “The Runner” if he thought I could do it. Run, that is. He said I absolutely could and he would help me.
Of course, being a walker I was grateful for the help. And run we did. Well, we did until it became apparent that I might never break a 9-minute mile. So I said ‘go on, Runner, run’ and he did.
But I kept at it. I trained and sweated and got myself into race shape, whatever that means when you’re carrying around D-breasts and I ran. The more I ran the better I got at it, but I never forget that “The Runner” ran first and I never forgot that he really did try to help me get better.
Then, after running, I took up swimming and biking and that’s where we stopped mirroring each other. I was no longer only a runner, I was a triathlete. And “The Runner” had no interest.
Well, he had no interest until we were just about to end our marriage. Then he asked if I thought we should do a triathlon together. Funny, I thought, he didn’t notice the house smelled like bike chain oil and chlorine until we were almost done being a limited partnership.
Was I mad? No, to be honest, it was one more reminder that he didn’t notice me until I was almost gone.
I bet “The One” listened to this complaint more times than any human wants to listen to records that are broken, but it was a constant source of confusion for me. How could I be invisible when we had been mirrors? Doesn’t one part of a mirror notice when a piece of it is missing?
What did I learn? I learned that sometimes, people don’t notice your passions until the distance between you is too great. And I learned that sometimes, people use your passion against you – no, that’s not totally right. It isn’t that they use it against you, they use it as leverage.
Hey, honey, remember when we used to catch butterflies? Wouldn’t it be nice, when our relationship is breathing its last breath, if we could do that again so you remember how much you love me?
Wouldn’t it, indeed.
The truth…the truth is often grey, but in some cases, it is a rainbow of colors. And in this case, it was in 3-D.
I was invisible – the things I loved or the things I attempted – they didn’t actually matter outside of “The Runners” needs. And when I realized that, the whole world sort of lit up.
Now? I know it’s okay to say these are my likes, those are yours. You never have to do what I like, but you have to try to respect why I do it. And you have to get your own thing.
And that’s how I started running again. I wrote a few months ago about why I gave it up and in looking back, that was just nonsense in the most nonsensical reason.
As for that mirror…three years after my divorce I’m happy to say that I use an organic window cleaner and the skies outside look pretty colorful.