2012 is the first time in five years where I didn’t have a full training and race season. When I took up running in 2004 after my mom died, I thought it would be something fun to do to get out of the house. I also thought it would bring me closer to my then-husband, ‘The Runner’ and that we’d do races together. You know, the couple that runs together and all that jazz.

What happened was that I found that I liked running just for myself. I loved lacing up my sneakers and strapping on my watch and going out to run just because I could. In many ways, I think I enjoyed running so much because I didn’t look like the runners I saw – I looked like me. I still had hips and tatas and a big booty – but they were moving along against the wind and it felt good.

After ‘The Runner’ and I divorced I wrote about how I stopped running because I thought it was his thing and that I shouldn’t keep doing it – like I had to let him have it back in order to find balance in the universe. The truth was that I was afraid that I wasn’t a runner – that maybe I was only someone who ran, and by then I was also biking and swimming – I was afraid I was no good.

I didn’t tell anyone that’s how I felt because I don’t think I realized it until a couple of years later. By then I was back in training mode. Last year I had a busy season of training and races and I had already started to think ahead to what this year would look like.

And then the Poconos happened. And I lost something.

While I was trying to figure out what it was that felt different I did lots of things – Moved A back to college, took a new job, started a business, wrote more – but the running and biking and swimming didn’t come easily anymore – my body felt kind of, I don’t know, sad.

So Zoe, the wonder Trek, sat semi-unused. My new pink Asics – the fast ones – were hidden away near the chair by the window and I didn’t bother to get a new watch even though my other one died a wet death doing pool laps.

Then it hit me – after my Poconos race I had to come to terms with not finishing. I’d never not finished a race – before last October I didn’t even think that was an option. How obnoxious of me. The best athletes have DNF moments and here I was stewing about one race in one city on one day.

And as I stewed I lost the connection I had with my body. It’s not that we don’t speak – on the contrary – we speak every day. But I didn’t feel the same about her. I felt like in some ways she couldn’t be trusted to finish something – very unfair, by the way.

The more I thought about this the more I wanted to do something about it. The more I wanted to do something about it the more unfocused I became. How odd – you think and think and think and then realize you aren’t really having any coherent thoughts.

And all this brings me to this afternoon. I’m still sick because this flu thing sucks. That means I’ve had a lot of time to organize things (because clearly relaxing isn’t in my genes) and I’ve decided on two things:

1. I will run the More Women’s Marathon in Central Park next April. I’ve always wanted to run this race because I am a sucker for the all-women’s races;
2. I will find a new triathlon to do on the East Coast – I still think Zoe and I can compete in 70.3 distance race and now the goal is to find one and begin training as soon as this flu is gone.

How can you help? Kick my butt when you see I’m slacking off. This blog will have 1 weekly check in starting next weekend (in time for my new video blog!). That’s right – the Type A queen is saying she needs help.

And, if you know of a great race in your area that I should consider, let me know. As long as it’s driving distance from NYC (because Zoe doesn’t like to fly), I’ll consider it.

Me and Zoe are ready to roll into 2013.