I love the idea of the ‘guest post’ for many reasons. One of them being that you never know what your friends will come up with when you ask them to write for your blog and that’s part of the fun. And if blogging isn’t fun, I’m not sure why most people would want to do it.

Here we are: Valentine’s Day. I’ve been texted and tweeted and called and not to suggest that I am not appreciative, the person who makes me smile the biggest is a 19 year old Penn State student. She and her bestie are taking each other out on a date tonight and I couldn’t be more excited for them. S and A are quite sweet and I am just a bit jealous that I didn’t think to take out my bestie. Oh, well, there’s always next year.

Anyway, back to the purpose of this post…Ms. S. from the beautiful state of North Carolina, works at a most interesting location – one that sees a LOT of business today because what better way to tell your sweetheart that you love them than by purchasing the latest in adult toys? No, really. I love you, here’s a ball gag.

To be honest, I’m a bit geeked up because not only do I get to post this special missive for you all, but I also get to direct you over to the HuffPost where my other girl, Daria, has written a joyous and love-filled ode to Pope Valentine. Love. It’s where it’s at, ‘cept for when it’s not there.

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So I hate Valentine’s Day…but really who doesn’t??

Oh yeah that’s right we all know how doesn’t…

Florists? Greeting Card Companies?

Nah, they hate it too..’cause look, I sell dildos for a living, and apparently men think that’s just what a girl wants to know you REALLY love her..something that can bring her to orgasm..apparently you’re not too worried about it the rest of the year??

The point is that the week before Valentine’s Day is by far our busiest week of the year.  Our ‘Red Hearts’ glass dildo being the enticement to convince you that your significant other shuns the idea of flowers or sentimental words..they just want something up their butt!

The people who work in the industries that provide these lavish gifts hate you…all of you…

LOL I kid..we hate like 93% of you.

We tolerate your rudeness and total delusional sense of entitlement and replace that with a sense of humor and the knowledge that you may think you can yell at us..but I know you have sex with masturbators shaped like flashlights! Just sayin!

Oh, and your wife is going to kill you for ordering a queen size piece of lingerie even after I checked and you tell me she normally wears a size 8 in regular clothes and I explain she doesn’t need a queen size no matter what.  It’s supposed to be tight..that’s the point..but you refuse to listen..I end our call advising you to hide all knives in your home before she opens that package…*shaking my head*

On a personal note I hate Valentine’s Day because it’s a ‘mull over’ just like every year.  Is THIS the year I make up a boyfriend and send myself flowers to work??

What’s sad is when you still consider pulling that move but you’re married. L. O. L.

The part I do like about Valentine’s Day is, as a fat girl, this is truly kinda like Heaven on earth.  Wednesday, the 15^th, IS like ‘Orgasm…in MY MOUTH…day’ for real.  All the sales on chocolate!  Can I get an AMEN?!

I am not above sitting in my underwear in my living room – empty heart shaped boxes at my feet –  brown ring around my mouth – moments away from a sugar coma..ALONE..loving every single thing about myself!

I don’t dislike Valentine’s Day because I’m single.  In fact I feel rather lucky to be single on this holiday because this is the scenario I’M missing out on:

Putting on a tight uncomfortable outfit (spending literally hours doing hair and makeup), going to a loud embarrassingly crowded restaurant that I (I know my type) know I can’t afford, and knowing the fool I’m with took my debit card out of my wallet to pay for this “special” dinner *blank stare*.

I decide, crap, I’m paying for it so I’ma eat what the hell I want…which means I eat too much..totally turn off my “valentine” who’s watched me consume my entire salad and entire steak and entire potato – half the bread basket and two bottles of wine…while burping and rolling my eyes at him – not even excusing myself.  Even over the loud restaurant banter you can hear the seams in my outfit scream for release!

I stumble back from the third trip to the bathroom where, for the first time in my life, I consider bulimia and I see him…

The man I love, my boo, my lovah, beaming while watching his woman gracefully adjusting her breasts so the nipples point out (duh, classy) with a perfectly wrapped present glowing on the table where my empty seat waits.

There is always that perfect moment right before you open the box when you think of all the ideal gifts.  And of course, he knows you better than anyone so this is something that represents your love and you togetherness…your hearts beating as one.

You open this amazing gift and of course – it’s the f*ing heart dildo with a g-string for a man who must weigh 500lbs.  Your honey will have forgotten to remove the shipping insert so you’ll see he also purchased himself a penis pump that costs twice as much as anything else in the box!

Yeah I’ll just take the midnight trip to Walmart in my PJs and fur coat to get first dibs on the heart shaped M&Ms that go on sale at midnight.

Valentine’s Day is celebrated by a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.  The one thing they all have in common is an interest in the acknowledgment of love – be it for sweets, a partner, or some booty.  No matter what, it’s about spending money you don’t have to show someone today is not the day you want to kill them.  Today is the day you’re going to love them. Then comes February 15^th and everyone can go back to normal.

Happy Valentine’s Day Y’all!

 

**Photo caption: Jacques-Louis David (1748–1825)
Cupid and Psyche
1817
Oil on canvas
The Cleveland Museum of Art,
Leonard C. Hanna, Jr., Fund