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She’s So Deceptively Strong…

I was thinking about words the other day and remembering some of the words I have heard over the past year or so.

I never really explained why or how I broke things off with ‘The Prince’. For my offline friends, they knew the story better than I did so it seemed a bit pointless. And for this space, it felt like I didn’t quite have the ‘write’ words on some level. 

But lately, when I talk to ‘The Writer’ and we share the stories of the people in our lives, I realize that I’ve had the words all along. I just didn’t want to commit them to this space. I didn’t want to destroy the space in some way. Wow, could I get a little more dramatic?

Let’s go back to August…

‘Prince’ forgot my birthday. Not a big deal, you say, and you’d be right. It isn’t. Not with the debt crisis and gay marriage on the radar of most New Yorkers. But in this little Leo’s corner of the world, it was a slight sting. However, like I usually do, I found an excuse for it. The excuse was that said ‘prince’ was busy with a move. 

Then…he forgot about my Iron-man event. 

Not like ‘slipped his mind’, but more like a purposeful forgetting and when he asked me, a day later, what I was up to, I only answered: Nothing. 

Ahh…what a mistake. You see, ‘The Prince’ likes to be a holder of everyone’s information, but hates to share his own. So while I was training like a madwoman and biking 100s of miles a week and running and swimming another 25 or so, he was out trying to set up dates. 

Now here is where the story gets fuzzy. He tried to set up dates to meet at least two of my ‘friends’. I quote this because only one of the women “San Diego” is actually a friend. The other woman “Seattle” is not. From the start of her ‘whateveritwas’ thing with ‘Prince’ she made it clear that she had every right to engage him directly because she was used to poly relationships and that means she was in charge. Her words. Not mine. 

I swear I broke up with ‘Prince’ last October after my trip to Denver and it just took a few months to sink in. But nevermind that, this isn’t about that, it’s about why it’s hard to write angst right now. 

It’s also about feelings. One time, my friend Smarty’s husband said if you feel something it is real. His words have stuck with me for over a year. So, three weeks ago, I sent one final text to ‘The Prince’ that ended with a simple: And don’t call again… 

And like that, it was done. 

But I look around at the many women he has seen over the years and the many awful things he has said to them. Usually, they didn’t know that I knew or that he’d shared so many of their conversations with me. Or they say they didn’t know. I always tried to get him to be more honest with them. Or himself. Neither seemed to work.  Maybe no one wanted to actually hear what was happening. 

How does that tie into the now? ‘The Writer’ and I have been talking about the power of words and how something said today can last in someone’s mind a lifetime. 

I reminded him of the SNL skit with Tiger Woods *and thus the title of this post* and how words can be just as deceptively strong. 

Too often, we allow the words people say to shape our lives. I didn’t understand this until I had been in therapy for about two years. Things my mother had said to me 30+ years ago were still rattling around in my head and on many levels,  I had to get them out. I thought that by raising ‘A’ to be strong and self-assured, that I had achieved some great parenting goal. In reality, that’s only a part of it. Teaching her to accept her own feelings as valid has been just as important. 

In our house we have a simple rule: You can not say ‘nothing is wrong’ if something is, indeed, wrong. You can get away with a quick ‘not now’ but never a complete dismissal of a feeling, not matter how small we think it is. 

So, the next time I forget that my words have power even when I think they don’t maybe you can remind me that just like the SNL skit, I might be deceptively strong and way too often, what’s really needed is a quieter voice.

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Dee Dee Mozeleski

  • http://blog.theshuttergypsy.com Kionda

    Words are very powerful and can do a ton of damage for many years to come. There are things that I still think about to this day that were said to me when I was a child. This works both ways. Yes, damage can be done. Something positive can come as well.

    Releasing toxic relationships is always in order. If sour words are spoken by said people then they are no use to you and your well being. Even the absence of words can be harmful. Moving on is a good choice. :-)

    I’m in the process of releasing a few of these relationships. It’s needed.

  • http://drunkenmonkeydotorg.wordpress.com Kidfos

    Yeah, I’m all with you on the power of words. People forget that you can apologize for what you have said, but you can never undue the action of having aid them. And all the sorrowful platitudes in the universe won’t reverse a ill thought out statement or cutting remark. I may have to blog on this one I think. This tangent alone is meaty enough to feed you all for a week. (Thinking Bubbles, you’re making me think again dammit!)

    I have to hold my hand up and admit to not actually knowing exactly when your birthday is, then again I don’t know any of my families and still get Destinies muddled between the 14th and the 15th unless I check my notebook. I don’t however go out of my way to deliberate not bother remembering them. I make sure I have dates and wot not jotted down in at least a dozen places, else risk facing the wrath of alleged loved ones.

    Chuffed you are hitting it off with Writer dude, he sounds like a thoroughly decent sort of chap, not long before you have him nicely corrupted Bub’s. Hehehe (Do we get to meet him during the sojourn in N.Y.C?)

    I like your way of dealing with feelings and related issues in the home, no-one is allowed to brush it off under the carpet and pretend nothing is wrong. Though if I’m honest, if obscuring emotion were an olympic sport I might stand a good chance of getting a medal. I don’t like folk to see what hurts me, reckon it gives them too much ammunition for the future.

    Now I’m off to consolidate my thoughts for the blog post mentioned earlier. Its going an extra edition next week I think.

    Peace
    &
    I’ve seen your words in action Bubs remember, all I can say is ever considered running for Mayor?

  • http://iamindeed.blogspot.com Ceilidgh

    Words are everything, especially in this medium – but often are so inadequate or so misused that the damage they can do, will do, or have the power to accomplish is worse than the worst fears of ‘terrorism’.

    Then you add in the fact that everyone has some additional underlying connotation to a word, based on their experience, their willingness to see what is ‘behind’ them, and even just their general feelings of the moment and they can become a miasma fed with the tumult of all that was not said or dismissed as ‘unimportant’.

    Sadly – there are always those who will misuse words, misremember facts, dismiss things that are important to us in their conversations simply because we are not the star in their internal dialogue, and not worth the mention. It’s bad enough when we allow ourselves to be an ‘extra’ in our own monologues, but when we have that ‘dismissal of our feelings’ supported by the actions of another – something must change. But until we recognize that our feelings, whether valid in terms of the situation or not, are both important and necessarily acknowledged – no one else worth knowing will ever value them either.

    And perhaps, realizing that even when voiced, expressed and still dismissed as ‘not important’ by another is a flaw in them – and one that isn’t worth the tap dance to be noticed anymore – that is the best decision: Letting them go.

  • ZooBoy

    While we do let the words others say shape our lives, it’s also true that the words we say lead us down certain paths as well. A good example being your “And don’t call again”. From what you’ve written those words were instrumental in moving your life along.

    My transformative words are more likely to be a particularly inane pun that raises universal groans. Blammo!

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